Bake Your Cake


An English Breakfast Cup of Tea Special Issue

Alexis Ibarra-Ibarra

Years of geeky isolation have culminated in this trillion-dollar gourmet idea, which I reclaim as my intellectual property. First, there exist a mix of chips and trash food in bags that are called Munchies in the US and Paketaxo in Mexico. I don’t really know if there is something like that in other countries because it’s not the first thing I look for in supermarkets when I’m travelling. My friends loved to buy the cheese flavor bag that contains Cheetos, Doritos, and other CHEESY stuff every time we met to play board games, watch movies, and/or eat cakes, bread, and tea. It’s in past tense because we live in a Global Quarantine now.

Anyway, after years of feeding my brain with Nintendo’s colorful products that are filled with happiness and joy, as well as a many other amazing rainbowy stuff like Little Big Planet and CORNY animations, I had a magnificent epiphany. This may sound stupid for people who are not connoisseurs of gourmet cuisine, but I realized that the best cereal mix would be: Froot Loops, Trix, and Lucky Charms. I know it may not be CHARMing to name it UniCORN BARF ™ (from UniCORN + Best Artistic Rainbow Food), but it’s the best and only deserving name for this unique, tasteful, and refined epicurean combination.

As a “certified” caterer and cereal sommelier, I assure you that UniCORN BARF ™ is the perfect pairing for a big plate of cute videogames or even the massacre of Rainbow Road and Mario Party. Moreover, the colorful contrast would also be that tiny Marie Kondo’s spark of joy that keeps your hope in humanity alive after realizing that “War Never Changes”. The fruity essences go well with funny anime like Asobi Asobase. The overwhelming sweetness of the base would clearly enhance Disney’s and Ghibli’s set of emotions. Just think about the delicious combination of a bowl of UniCORN BARF ™ with milk and Gravity Falls or Wreck-It Ralph.

The rounded and infinite shape of the loops, the flowers, and the charms, the contrast between the crunchiness of the cereals and the softness of the marshmallows, the juxtaposition of the bright colors together with the inherent magic of each element create a well-balanced and extremely well-crafted composition. #BritishBreakfastCupofTea 

Oh lá lá!

UniCORN BARF ™ could be that high-SUGAR-RUSH fusion cuisine that we all need to get up every day without depression and anxiety (ok… I went too far with this one…PLEASE DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDS). Furthermore, this work of gastronomic art would be in a reasonable price range to introduce the less-trained palates to Haute Cuisine. And, just think about it, to create this amalgam of pure ecstasy, a UniCORN had to eat and barf a super rare combination of magic creatures: a Tucan with wing-hands, a Bunny with opposing thumbs, and a Leprechaun, which lives right in the end of a rainbow and owns a pot of gold in this dreadful economy. I can only say “Leprechaun” with a French or German accent, so the fusion becomes gourmet instantly. Besides, from a molecular perspective, a UniCORN blended “sugar, spice, and everything nice” just to create this masterpiece of culinary culture.

Anyway, to sum up:

UniCORN BARF ™ is Love, UniCORN BARF © is Life.

Featured image taken from Pinterest.

WARNING: UniCORN BARF ™ cereal mix is Alexis Ibarra Ibarra’s Intellectual Property, and all intent of commercializing this product, or any other derived items, merchandise, or brands, should be consulted with the rightful owner of the original idea, or else the infractor will be prostituted (not prosecuted).

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